So, I am back and I have a lot to say.
KimPossible is BACK! I know it has been a year since you have heard from me. I had to take a break from blogging for a while and regroup, reorganize my life. We all have a lot going on in our lives at times and sometimes you have to step back and really look at what you are doing. So, let's get this party started.
I miss ALL of you tremendously. You were my inspiration. My blog family for real!
I look forward to hearing from each and everyone of you.
I hope you enjoy what we've cooked up.
Wonder twin powers ACTIVATE.
Form of words.
Shape of a blog.
FREE YOUR MIND FRIDAY
Prayers That Keep It Real for: Children Whose Parents Are On Drugs
Real Talk: One day you are bitter. The next day you are angry. And the next day you are confused. No matter what each day brings. Some how you have this bottomless love for your parent. You believe in them even when others have turned their back on them. You manage to always keep hope alive.
I don’t quite remember when you two split and called it quits. But, my heart is reminded of it everyday. Because your absence left a hole, gap, void, in my life. My family blamed you for not paying child support when I was younger and they thought you should go straight to jail without passing go. I didn’t realize then that your absence would affect me for the rest of my life.
I would only see you sporadically through out the year. But when I saw you it seemed as if we had seen each other everyday. I would embrace you with a big smile and arms out ready to hug your neck. Being in your arms made me feel secure. I had so much I wanted to update you on. However, I noticed as I began to talk with you, you were there but something else had control of you.
You would gaze into my eyes and sometimes be repetitive in your words to me. You would sniff all of the time and secretly ask me if I had any money. I would reach in my pocket and give you all of the change I had because I wanted you to be happy. Your eyes were weak with pain. Your soul was vacant and dark.
There were many nights when you were under the influence of drugs and alcohol. You would knock on my window in the middle of the night on a school night. It would be 1 or 2am in the morning. Sometimes you would cry like a baby and all you could say is you were sorry and that you loved me. I always wondered why you had to interrupt my sleep and get rowdy that early in the morning. Mommy would always threaten to call the police if you didn’t vacate the premises and eventually you would.
I turned 16 and I am now a young lady. You opened a checking account for me and I would put my entire check in the bank. Proud to save money in the account my father opened for me. After a few months I wanted to take mommy shopping because I wanted to give her something for once. I stuck my card in the ATM and it said “Insufficient Funds.”
My heart dropped and I became enraged. I woke up and realized that you had taken from your own daughter. You had issues and I was going to let you know. I had worked so hard for that money and you hadn’t given me anything all my life. But, yet you take from me? I couldn’t wrap my mind around how you could justify it.
My mother was terribly angry. It was the first time she had given me permission to tell you exactly what was on mind. Even if that entailed a curse word her and there. I yelled at you to the top of my lungs and told you that I hated you.
I began to ask you questions like: “Where were you when I graduated from middle school?”, “Where were you when I had my first kiss?”, “Where were you when I was molested?”, “Where were you on ALL of my birthdays?”, “Where were you when I first had sex?” You looked at me with tears dripping down your face. You were intoxicated and all you could say was that you loved me. I told you I no longer wanted you to be apart of my life.
Time has passed. It is my graduation day and I look out in the audience and I see all of my friends and family. But, one person is missing and that’s you. I try to block you out of my mind, but I can’t. It saddened me to know that you had missed 17 wonderful years of my life and you couldn’t stay sober for the most important day of my life.
My conscious started eating me up. I started evaluating our family. It finally hit me. Daddy doesn’t know how to be a father because his dad was never there for him. Is this an excuse? No. But, it surely made sense. I started to open my heart again to you. I would ask myself what I would do if you were to die and I still had bitterness in my heart against you? That would eat me up. I embraced maturity and I called you and told you that I released you of everything you didn’t do for me. I prayed for you and told you that I believed in you.
It is “THE” biggest day of my life. I am getting married. Everyone is coming into town. We are having dinner, laughing, reminiscing, making sure everyone’s tux and dresses are all straight. And this familiar feeling overwhelms me. I am sitting in the room like most brides-to-be would. Waiting for the music to queue me on when to go out. And I realize, I am walking out alone.
I could have had my big brother walk me out. My uncles or other men in my life who were like father figures, but I wanted to do it alone. Because it was symbolic for me that although my natural father wasn’t there for me, my heavenly father was there waiting to walk with me down the isle as He had walked with me all of my life. To this day my family and friends say that they thought someone walked me down the isle. That was an angelic moment for me. I felt God’s presence surround me and it was as if He wrapped me in His arms and gave me a big hug. I cried like a baby.
Today, you have been free from drugs for a 1 ½ now. You relapsed this summer but now you are back on track. Daddy, I have nothing in my heart against you. It’s never to late to start over. I just wish you could terminate the guilt that is eating you alive on the inside. You have to move on. Your absence made me a stronger woman. Every pain, every tear, every void was filled by God’s pure love.
I now have a testimony. I can help other people like me. After all, that’s why God allowed me to go through all of that. So, that I could relate to others and keep it real. There are a lot of behavioral patterns I have because you weren’t there but I understand that this is something I will have to manage for the rest of my life. But, I’m good, I am strong and I love you.
Everyone deserves a second chance. I still believe in you and I hope you find true happiness and are able to get to the root, core, and source of your pain. You are a great man who took some wrong turns in life. Now you are in your lane going straight. Keep it moving! I love you.
Prayers That Keep It Real for: People Who Have Second Offenses
REAL TALK: If you sit and think about it, there are people that you don’t like or have issues with because one of your friends has issues with them. The person didn’t do a thing to you but yet you are carrying a second offense. You only heard one side of the story. What’s wrong with that picture?
God I was thinking about this one particular person in my life. They are not what I would consider a close friend of mine, but I do consider them to be a friend. I realized that I have had issues with this person because one of my other friends has an issue with him/her. I felt like if I didn’t treat her/him differently then there would be tension with me and my other friend. All of this is just too stupid and complicated. Lame and immature is what it is.
Okay, let me get this right. I am holding something in my heart against this person that I barely even know because of something my other friend said about him/her? I totally judged them based on someone else’s opinion. I am embarrassed that is so weak. I would not want anyone doing me that way. I could throw up just thinking about it. So, I can only imagine how she/he feels every time they see me. I know they can feel the tension when they see me and my other friend.
Why am I mad? What is that all about? It’s time to let it go! I can’t take it anymore. What a miserable time this has been for me. All I had to do was be the bigger person, but instead I have been the weaker one. Well, I am not going to sit here and waste any more time on being offended with someone I shouldn’t be offended by. So, I am going to talk to my friend and then I am going to talk to him/her that I have the second offense with and I am getting this right tonight. I have got to be able to get a good night sleep and just let it go.
Thanks for listening God,
Prayers That Keep It Real for: Women Who Have Had Abortions
REAL TALK: You went through with it because you didn’t want others to find out. You already have too many children. You didn’t think you would be a good mom. You didn’t want to raise another child alone. You were struggling financially with your other children. It was a surprise to you. Or you just don’t want children right now. No matter what the reason was each of you have to want to have some type of dialogue with your unborn child.
My Dear Child,
Hey, it’s mommy! I am sitting here thinking of you.
Wondering what your hands would look like
Trying to figure out what part of you would have been like me
And what part would have been like your daddy
I cry every time I think of you
And a lot of times I can’t sleep at night
Because I feel like I cheated you out of your life
I feel like I gave up on you and did not give you a chance
Sometimes I wonder if what I am experiencing
Is because of what I did to you
I can remember when I first found out you were growing inside of me
I was so scared but I was happy too
Mommy was so confused
I didn’t know what I was doing
I remember thinking that I didn’t know you could love that deep
But before I allowed myself to become attached to you
I cut it off before I could get hurt
I thought I was doing you a favor
Because I didn’t want you to grow up like me
I thought I was protecting you
This world was to cruel for someone as precious as you
Sometimes mommy wishes she was aborted
Because I wouldn’t have had to experience
The intense hurt and abuse when I was a child
The people that said they loved me were not very nice to me
I am trying to get it together
I am trying to forgive myself for what I did to them and you
But it is hard because I think about it every day
So, that is why I wanted to write you this poem
I figured if I asked you to forgive me then
Maybe some of this pressure would go away
Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy
But some how I continue to still hold on
Please forgive mommy
I need you to forgive me
Because I wont be able to face myself if you don’t
I love you deeply and I can’t wait to see you
But sometimes I wonder if my soul is too dark
To make it to heaven with you
You have to pray for mommy
I am experiencing a heavy pain
Because of how I treated you
How could I love someone so much
And kill them at the same time?
I am dead inside
I need you to release me of my guilt
Or I am going to die a slow death inside
I am trying to get myself together
I am telling you this because
I know you will go and talk to God for me
Ask Him if you can be my angel child
I NEED YOU!
I know I took your life
And I am paying for it every day
My mind can’t find peace
I store day dreamed thoughts of you daily
I find comfort in thinking of you
Because I know no matter what I have done
You will always see me as “mommy”
And that makes me smile
The thought of you brings me so much joy
I wish I could touch you, Hold you and talk with you
Kiss you and laugh with you
Buy you ice cream and take you to school
I didn’t realize how much of a blessing
You would have been to me
Come and sleep with me tonight
We can have a pajama party
I just need to know that I am forgiven
And that you have forgiven me
Come and hold me
Because your touch can heal me
8 Weird Things About KimPossible
I was tagged by my blogmate 30+. I love it! So, here you go 30+. Thanks for the tag. :)
One: I take people watching to another level. I absolutely love it. It is some sort of soothing exercise for me. I enjoy watching people and figuring out what their lives are about behind their smiles, the way they are dressed and the way they carry themselves. I will have full-blown conversations with myself in my head if I am alone at the mall, restaurant, gas station, etc. I look at people and say “hmm, she looks depressed, they just got into an argument, their marriage isn’t working, etc. I guess that is why I am pursuing degree(s) in Psychology huh?
Two: I hate to hear someone biting his or her fingernails. It annoys me to no end. My husband and my brother both bite their fingernails. And then they spit the fingernail out. That is gross and rude. Is there something else constructive you could be doing besides biting your fingernails? Dang! Stop it!
Three: I have a shoe and purse fetish. It is pretty bad. They make the outfit! You have a hot pair of shoes and nice bag and it is ON! If I am walking in the grocery store, the mall, a restaurant, etc. I will stop a man or woman and proceed to tell them the maker of their shoes and purse. It is an addiction in which I am seeking help.
Four: This is definitely a weird one, but you asked for it and here you have it. LOL! KimPossible does not like anything that looks weird. I freak out. For example, a friend of mine had a rash and it was very gross looking. She wanted me to look at it and I couldn’t do it! You know how when you go the doctor’s office they have this palette with bumps on it to show you the difference between measles and chicken pox? Stuff like that really freaks me out for some reason. I know, weird right? Gotta love me.
Five: I do not like to use public restrooms for several reasons it freaks me the heck out. The germs and the nasty stalls get under my skin. I have a very weak stomach. I will hold my urine until Jesus comes back. I know that is not good right? But, if I smell someone else’s poop or see it as I search which stall is best for me to sit, I will DEF throw up. No lie, no exaggeration that is what I do. So, I avoid public restrooms at all cost.
Six: I have to go to sleep to noise. I go to sleep with the TV on low because for some reason it helps me to get off to sleep. I look at it like a book. Someone telling me a story and I tend to fall asleep. You wanted weird things, so here you have it. LOL! I have to wind down before I go to bed. I am one of those people who can’t just fall to sleep until I have downloaded from my day. I have tried to just sit there and process through my day but it never works. So, TV at night before I go to bed has become my pacifier. Lawd help me! LOL!
Seven: I love to walk around Target. I used to like to walk around Wal-Mart when I worked the night shift at HP because nothing else was open at my 12:00am lunch hour. Now, I have moved to Target. I love to walk through target. I literally go from department to department. I observe what’s on each aisle. It is so bad that one time my best friend and I walked into target and it was light outside. We went in the book section and started reading that Video Vixen book. We sat on the floor and read the entire book in the store?Needless to say it was dark when we left. What in the world? We obviously had nothing else to do that day. I think it is therapeutic for me. It is the one time I am not in a rush and I can enjoy the moment.
Eight: I love dating myself. I am married and my hubby takes me on dates all of the time. But, I like to date myself because I think this is very important in my life. It is my time to reconnect with me. I get dressed up like I am going out on a date. I go to any place of my choice i.e. movie, mall, concerts, gym, etc. I take pen and paper. Once a month I go to a hotel just me, myself and I. I sleep, eat, pray, workout, and it is a beautiful thing. I think it is so necessary to replenish yourself. I have adopted this habit for some years now and it works for me. It helps me to be refreshed for God, my husband, and my friends and family.
There you have it! LOL! Am I weird or what? Okay, I tag the following people: MegaRich, SummerBreeze, AmenaBee, BK, The Walking Man, Fantasy Queen, Shelly P, Pia, Kawana Oliver and Ugo Daniels. Get ta writing! LOL!