12.19.2007

Prayers That Keep It Real for: Children Whose Parents Are On Drugs

Prayers That Keep It Real for: Children Whose Parents Are On Drugs

 

Real Talk: One day you are bitter. The next day you are angry. And the next day you are confused. No matter what each day brings. Some how you have this bottomless love for your parent. You believe in them even when others have turned their back on them. You manage to always keep hope alive.

 

I don’t quite remember when you two split and called it quits. But, my heart is reminded of it everyday. Because your absence left a hole, gap, void, in my life. My family blamed you for not paying child support when I was younger and they thought you should go straight to jail without passing go. I didn’t realize then that your absence would affect me for the rest of my life.

 

I would only see you sporadically through out the year. But when I saw you it seemed as if we had seen each other everyday. I would embrace you with a big smile and arms out ready to hug your neck. Being in your arms made me feel secure. I had so much I wanted to update you on. However, I noticed as I began to talk with you, you were there but something else had control of you.

 

You would gaze into my eyes and sometimes be repetitive in your words to me. You would sniff all of the time and secretly ask me if I had any money. I would reach in my pocket and give you all of the change I had because I wanted you to be happy. Your eyes were weak with pain. Your soul was vacant and dark.

 

There were many nights when you were under the influence of drugs and alcohol. You would knock on my window in the middle of the night on a school night. It would be 1 or 2am in the morning. Sometimes you would cry like a baby and all you could say is you were sorry and that you loved me. I always wondered why you had to interrupt my sleep and get rowdy that early in the morning. Mommy would always threaten to call the police if you didn’t vacate the premises and eventually you would.

 

I turned 16 and I am now a young lady. You opened a checking account for me and I would put my entire check in the bank. Proud to save money in the account my father opened for me. After a few months I wanted to take mommy shopping because I wanted to give her something for once. I stuck my card in the ATM and it said “Insufficient Funds.”

 

My heart dropped and I became enraged. I woke up and realized that you had taken from your own daughter. You had issues and I was going to let you know. I had worked so hard for that money and you hadn’t given me anything all my life. But, yet you take from me? I couldn’t wrap my mind around how you could justify it.

 

My mother was terribly angry. It was the first time she had given me permission to tell you exactly what was on mind. Even if that entailed a curse word her and there.  I yelled at you to the top of my lungs and told you that I hated you.

 

I began to ask you questions like: “Where were you when I graduated from middle school?”, “Where were you when I had my first kiss?”, “Where were you when I was molested?”, “Where were you on ALL of my birthdays?”, “Where were you when I first had sex?” You looked at me with tears dripping down your face. You were intoxicated and all you could say was that you loved me. I told you I no longer wanted you to be apart of my life.

 

Time has passed. It is my graduation day and I look out in the audience and I see all of my friends and family. But, one person is missing and that’s you. I try to block you out of my mind, but I can’t. It saddened me to know that you had missed 17 wonderful years of my life and you couldn’t stay sober for the most important day of my life.

 

My conscious started eating me up. I started evaluating our family. It finally hit me. Daddy doesn’t know how to be a father because his dad was never there for him. Is this an excuse? No. But, it surely made sense. I started to open my heart again to you. I would ask myself what I would do if you were to die and I still had bitterness in my heart against you? That would eat me up. I embraced maturity and I called you and told you that I released you of everything you didn’t do for me. I prayed for you and told you that I believed in you.

 

It is “THE” biggest day of my life. I am getting married. Everyone is coming into town. We are having dinner, laughing, reminiscing, making sure everyone’s tux and dresses are all straight. And this familiar feeling overwhelms me. I am sitting in the room like most brides-to-be would. Waiting for the music to queue me on when to go out. And I realize, I am walking out alone.

 

I could have had my big brother walk me out. My uncles or other men in my life who were like father figures, but I wanted to do it alone. Because it was symbolic for me that although my natural father wasn’t there for me, my heavenly father was there waiting to walk with me down the isle as He had walked with me all of my life. To this day my family and friends say that they thought someone walked me down the isle. That was an angelic moment for me. I felt God’s presence surround me and it was as if He wrapped me in His arms and gave me a big hug. I cried like a baby.

 

Today, you have been free from drugs for a 1 ½ now. You relapsed this summer but now you are back on track. Daddy, I have nothing in my heart against you. It’s never to late to start over. I just wish you could terminate the guilt that is eating you alive on the inside. You have to move on. Your absence made me a stronger woman. Every pain, every tear, every void was filled by God’s pure love.

I now have a testimony. I can help other people like me. After all, that’s why God allowed me to go through all of that. So, that I could relate to others and keep it real. There are a lot of behavioral patterns I have because you weren’t there but I understand that this is something I will have to manage for the rest of my life. But, I’m good, I am strong and I love you.

 

Everyone deserves a second chance. I still believe in you and I hope you find true happiness and are able to get to the root, core, and source of your pain. You are a great man who took some wrong turns in life. Now you are in your lane going straight. Keep it moving! I love you.

COPYWRITTEN 2007

8 comments:

Philly's Andrea said...

I can't stop the tears from pouring from my eyes. It's a little better knowing that "I" am not alone and that there are people who have gone though this battle in their life also. With both parents absent, it was hard. It took me almost twenty two years to forgive my mother and I know now that God wanted/needed me to so that he could take her home and that I would be guilt free. It's a little harder for me to do the same for my father because dealing with one is hard enough. I hope and pray that in time I can come to grips and forgive him too. I guess it's that time of the year that is getting to everyone. Check out my spot. "For My Angel Face”, "Unconditional Love" and "Dear Momma". Memphiz Soul also has a hot one called "Am I Selfish?"

~A~

Simi Speaks said...

wow wow wow.. I can't seem to be able to say anything else. But it sounds like you have such a great heart and spirit. I thank God for giving you the courage to forgive. It truly takes courage.

Heart Drops said...

girl...with the music playing in the background too? Ugh.That was beautiful.Thank you.

KimPossible said...

@Philly's Andrea: Hey boo, it is always good to hear from you. You know, I was in tears when I wrote this one. Mostly all of my post are not about me. However, as you know all of my life except these last two years my dad has been on drugs and alcohol. I have come to forgive him which is a very hard thing. Because anyone who has a severe addiction such as this, is definitely under the influence of a substance. So, it is hard to know who you are talking to from one day to the next. But, I totally agree that there is SELFISHNESS at the core because at the end of the day, the victim only thinks of themselves and in the process a whole line of people end up hurt. But, I am a strong believer that God never wastes a hurt. I have now gained a testimony that I share with many. That situation brought me many tears, anguish, disappointments, stress, bitterness, anxiety, weight gain, prayers, etc. But, I got through it with God's help, my mother and the rest of my family. It is no joke. It is something you have to cope with for the rest of your life. So, I totally understand what you are saying. My words of encouragement to you would be to stay strong and know that you have to forgive your dad because right now he is holding you hostage and you have given all of your power to him. Forgiveness is a gift from God and it's a process. It was HARD for me to forgive my dad. But, once I matured, I realized I had to "let it go!" It took me months/years to come to that conclusion. You are a beautiful person Andrea and you want to continue moving forward in life and not be on "PAUSE" waiting to forgive your dad. And if you forgive him, when you need forgiveness in an area someone else will be likely to forgive you. Remember he is under the influence of drugs and alcohol so he is not even thinking with ALL faculties and the root of it all is that he is hurting worse than you are. He has decided to use drugs and alcohol to cover up some deep pains. So, pray for him and ask God to deliver him and not let him have to face death. I am glad you weighed in on this one. I love you girl! I will DEF go check out those other blogs.

@Simi Speaks: Simi, it does take a lot of prayer and courage to forgive. Because there were some DEEP hurts there. Hurts that I am still having to work through today. But, I am doing it you know?

@Heart Drops: Were have you been? It is so good to hear from you. I absolutely LOVE Christmas. It is my favorite time of year. I am glad that you liked the music and the post. Keep in touch!

KimPossible

Allied said...

KIm, This brought saddness to my heart and i thank God that you have forgiven him.

I pray that God will continue to give your strength and wisdom concerning this situation.

~*naija's emerald*~ said...

God bless you, you seem like a really forgiving person

Mega Rich said...

That took a lot of courage. I'm glad you came through it all for the better as opposed to being bitter.

Mizrepresent said...

Oh lady, that was such a beautiful truth and painful to. WE can't choose our parents, and sometimes have to endure much because of them, but your healing, and your willingness to forgive is a blessing to your father and example to all around you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. My father left when i was 9...didn't get to see him much in the later years, but i always knew he loved me...and i loved him dearly.The absence was heartbreaking though...when i grew up and began to date and men would leave, i felt like i had been cursed...beginning with my father, i believed that one day, "all the men i truly love, would leave me..." now i know, thru faith...all but my "heavenly father". Stay blessed.