Prayers That Keep It Real for: Women Who Have Had Abortions
REAL TALK: You went through with it because you didn’t want others to find out. You already have too many children. You didn’t think you would be a good mom. You didn’t want to raise another child alone. You were struggling financially with your other children. It was a surprise to you. Or you just don’t want children right now. No matter what the reason was each of you have to want to have some type of dialogue with your unborn child.
My Dear Child,
Hey, it’s mommy! I am sitting here thinking of you.
Wondering what your hands would look like
Trying to figure out what part of you would have been like me
And what part would have been like your daddy
I cry every time I think of you
And a lot of times I can’t sleep at night
Because I feel like I cheated you out of your life
I feel like I gave up on you and did not give you a chance
Sometimes I wonder if what I am experiencing
Is because of what I did to you
I can remember when I first found out you were growing inside of me
I was so scared but I was happy too
Mommy was so confused
I didn’t know what I was doing
I remember thinking that I didn’t know you could love that deep
But before I allowed myself to become attached to you
I cut it off before I could get hurt
I thought I was doing you a favor
Because I didn’t want you to grow up like me
I thought I was protecting you
This world was to cruel for someone as precious as you
Sometimes mommy wishes she was aborted
Because I wouldn’t have had to experience
The intense hurt and abuse when I was a child
The people that said they loved me were not very nice to me
I am trying to get it together
I am trying to forgive myself for what I did to them and you
But it is hard because I think about it every day
So, that is why I wanted to write you this poem
I figured if I asked you to forgive me then
Maybe some of this pressure would go away
Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy
But some how I continue to still hold on
Please forgive mommy
Would you?
I need you to forgive me
Because I wont be able to face myself if you don’t
I love you deeply and I can’t wait to see you
But sometimes I wonder if my soul is too dark
To make it to heaven with you
You have to pray for mommy
I am experiencing a heavy pain
Because of how I treated you
How could I love someone so much
And kill them at the same time?
I am dead inside
I need you to release me of my guilt
Or I am going to die a slow death inside
I am trying to get myself together
I am telling you this because
I know you will go and talk to God for me
Ask Him if you can be my angel child
I NEED YOU!
I know I took your life
And I am paying for it every day
My mind can’t find peace
I store day dreamed thoughts of you daily
I find comfort in thinking of you
Because I know no matter what I have done
You will always see me as “mommy”
And that makes me smile
The thought of you brings me so much joy
I wish I could touch you, Hold you and talk with you
Kiss you and laugh with you
Buy you ice cream and take you to school
I didn’t realize how much of a blessing
You would have been to me
Come and sleep with me tonight
We can have a pajama party
I just need to know that I am forgiven
And that you have forgiven me
Come and hold me
Because your touch can heal me
Love Mommy
COPYWRITTEN 2007
10 comments:
This is heavy sis.
@Sojourner G: I know...it was rough writing it. Thanks for always dropping by sis.
KimPossible
hmmmmmm..........
howdy?
@Ms. Emmotions: LOL!. Howdy chica.
KimPossible
This was interesting reading. The women I know who have had abortions don't feel this way though and my thoughts on the matter dont really mean much since I have never been pregnant and have never had and abortion....
this is deep Kim. though it may seem like some women who've had abortions don't care, or don't feel this way, only God knows what truly goes on in the depths of their hearts, and i believe at some point in their lives, they'll feel this way. good post, and one that needs to be dealt with.
@Femigog: Good to hear from you. I actually wrote this prayer for Lil Kim because she had an abortion. So, i was trying to capture what she would say to her unborn child.
@Heiresschild: I am glad you liked this one. I actually wrote it for Lil Kim. But, I do have a friend who had an abortion and one thing she always says is that she wishes she could talk to her unborn child. So, that is where I got the concept.
KimPossible
I wanted to comment on this the other day but I wanted to see what others had to say, i.e. who would step up.
Well, I've been there and NO I'm not proud but something’s you have no control over and at three months when you've been taking birth control for almost ten months, drinking heavily, and are weeks away from going away to college...well, you have to weigh your options and first one is "are you ready and capable of raising a child with disabilities which are more than likely your fault?"
With that being said, I've prayed many of times about that situation and first, when I was still young and the situation was still fresh I let my emotions run wild and felt a lot of different ways about it. But as I got older and stronger in my walk with God I realize and understand that once you ask God for forgiveness about something, it is in his hands you have to let it go. And that is exactly what I did. It's not a thought of guilt in my mind. I'm FREE
~A~
I can relate somewhat to Philly. I was just thinking about how I would have a grown child by now. I cried and prayed for forgiveness way back then. It ain't easy to go through I was awake and alert. I saw the machine full of blood where my dna and his was now all gone. I mean it was relieving and depressing. The emotions I went through I was not prepared for at all. And my mate at the time was relieved he did not know the emotional turmoil it was for me. We actually argued the night after the procedure.
I still think of him, yes I felt it was a him even if I was only 9 weeks along. I also feel like I shorted myself trusting someone who was not mature enough to handle this. Hell I was only 18 in college and I was not mature for it.
I let it go and God delivered me from that ugly time. I shared this with my daughter who is 17 and she was shocked. I told her this to say sex is a serious thing and the consequences can be hard.
@Philly's Andrea: Girl, I love you so much. I am glad you stepped up. I was actually waiting for some more people to step up too. I am glad that you are free. When you ask God for forgiveness it's a wrap. If you are genuine then He erases it. So, I hope your story can help other women who have been through this.
@atpeace: I wish I could add you to my blog roll. What is your URL? Anywho, I am glad that you weighed in because someone needs to hear different perspectives on this subject. I know that must have been tough for you and we all have to make decisions that are best for us at that time, season, phase of our lives. The beauty of it is that you can look back with maturity and realize certain things AND the best beauty is that you have a wonderful daughter that you could enlighten and I know that you sharing that will be with her for the rest of her life and possibly help her make some great decisions in life. Don't be a stranger. Keep in touch okay.
KimPossible
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