WARNING: This is a long post, however, we think it will make for some good conversation. So, hang in there with us. Rich from The RichHouse blog and myself KimPossible present to you, “Free Your Mind Friday!”
A lot of times, I think of things in terms of music, so doing this post made me think of two songs right off the bat. Those songs are “Wait for Love” (Luther Vandross) and “Let’s Wait a While” (Janet Jackson). Those songs lay the framework for the way it should be when dealing with the topic:
Is a man/woman willing to wait for a Christian man or woman who is still a virgin/or practicing celibacy?
The simple answer should be yes, if their mind is right. Meaning, if that person shares a similar belief system they will be more inclined to wait and honor your position. The other element that needs to exist is a positive esteem. Otherwise, drama is likely to ensue.
I have lived on both sides of the equation. I have been involved with a virgin who wanted to wait when I didn’t, and I have been the Christian man trying to remain celibate when the female didn’t share the same sentiment. There were lessons to learn in both instances. Mainly lessons about me as a person at those particular times in my life with regard to my convictions and views on sex.
Let’s break this down a bit and see if we can see things from a different vantage point. In the formative stages of a relationship all types of things are happening – neurons are sparking feelings of grandeur, hormones are raging – waiting to be quelled with a touch, and imaginations are flying to and fro about the possibilities of where love will lead. All of this happens, whether sex is enacted or not. It’s a natural part of the mating process. We have been created to respond to the opposite sex in kind, so it shouldn’t be a surprise when these feelings occur, although it doesn’t happen with everyone we meet. The fact that these emotions do take place also shouldn’t necessitate the need to act upon them. Yet, when placed in an environment where all seems right, we get offended, if even for a moment, when we are asked to forego relations because one of the parties would like to wait. Sometimes we even take it personally, but this is what we should remember. The desire to abstain -- listen to me carefully -- is not and should not be construed as a rejection of the other party. “Don’t you love me?” or “I thought we had something here,” are common responses that follow when one of the parties feel like they have been shorted. This is where positive self-esteem comes into play. The person who is free of insecurities won’t take their perspective mates need for taking a higher road as meaning something is wrong with them. We have to ask ourselves, are we mature enough and in control of our bodies enough to wait?
Many single people talk of their desire to have a mate, when the truth is they really want sex. Ask yourself. If given the opportunity to date someone who is a virgin or celibate that is adamant about waiting until marriage, would you be willing to wait? Does sex overweigh your desire for a quality mate?
There are so many directions this conversation can be taken, but I think the fact that a person – Christian or not – wanting to wait is a beautiful thing. That is the person who realizes that intimacy is a by-product of love and not the road that leads to love. What do you think?
Are you guilty of judging others that wanted to keep themselves? Are you sensitive to that topic with your friends? Do you look at people who wait as different or special? Are you the one who has waited? Maybe you can identify with the story below. Rich and KimPossible wanted to let you in on the life of someone who has waited. Let’s free our minds together.
This story is based on a true story. A single friend of mine is experiencing this in her dating relationships. I added a little to her story but it is darn close. So, let me introduce her to you. She is a 27-year-old virgin; she has never experienced dating or kissed until after college. Yes, you heard me right.
So, my fellow bloggers, what does it take for a good virgin woman to find a man that appreciates that she has waited. Peep this:
Scenario One: I went out on a date with a guy that I met at a jazz event. He was handsome and well put together. I was immediately attracted to him physically. We exchanged numbers and begin to talk on the phone and soon we began to hang out. He was 10 years older than me and his experience was way out of my league. One night we went out and had a great time. He moved in for the kiss and I became paralyzed. My hormones were racing and my panties were wet for sure. I was so tense and could not snap out of it. He immediately told me to relax but I couldn’t. I knew this could lead into somewhere I did not want it to go? I spill the beans and tell him that I had never kissed. He began to try to school me in this area and it seems cool to him that I am a virgin. In fact, he seemed bubbly about it. It almost seemed as if he was elated that he could potentially be the first to tap that. As the relationship progressed he began to talk about marriage everyday and how he was ready to settle down and how he felt like I was his wife. He also asked me how did I feel about open relationships because he was dating someone else too. He became very possessive and wanted to know where I was at all times. He was beginning to be the daddy and he thought I was the child. Needless to say I had to let that go. I am not interested in a father; I already have one of those. Why is it that this dude was so excited that I was a virgin? That was a huge turn off for me. Can you calm down please? Is it true that men prey on women like myself because they get some type of gratification for being a virgin’s “FIRST?” Is that a power trip?
Scenario Two: I played myself with this dude. He and I have been long time friends. We have had secret crushes on each other ever since I met him. The only thing that has kept us from moving forward in a relationship is that he has always been in serious relationships with other women. We are both artists so we always find ourselves in the same circle. So, I see him everywhere and we flirt like crazy. His swagger, his artistry, his style, everything about him turns me on. I am attracted to him physically and mentally; he and I can talk about anything. He has now broken up with his girlfriend and he immediately started calling me everyday. He cooked me dinner at his house and we have went out on several dates. He text-messages me every morning telling me to have a great day. Dude knows me and he knows all of this is turning me on. He knows exactly what to say to me. He already knows I am a virgin and before he broke up with his girlfriend I would talk to him about it and how hard it is out here for me. He told me good luck because he did not know any men who would wait. He said as beautiful as I am no man would want to just date me. I told him that I had never kissed either. So, he said you mean to tell me that if someone wanted to date you they wouldn’t be able to kiss you? I said yeah, he was like you are crazy. But, I respect your decision. So, we start to hang out and he is all in my personal space and we touch. I was just about to invite him to the crib when he called me one day and said “Look, let’s just continue to be friends because I am dating two other girls and let’s not get too serious.” I was pissed and bothered. Dude, are you serious? So, you were trying to break me down to see if you could hit this right? Never will you try to break me. I am a good woman. I have a lot going for me. The crazy thing is that if he would have held his cards a little closer to his chest he just may have gotten his wish because I have liked him for a very long time. He pushed all of the right buttons for me. He lured me to sleep with his chivalry and I was definitely about to lose my virginity with him.
Scenario Three: I was dating a guy who had a lot more experience than me. I was 26 when we met and he was 35. He was a well-groomed and mature individual. He was the perfect man for me. We enjoyed each other’s company. He was artsy and creative. Our dates were never dull. He took initiative and he always kept the spark going. I told him that I was virgin as I realized I was falling in love with him. He didn’t budge. It didn’t faze him at all. He informed me that he was ready to settle down and he had waited for a woman like me. He was clearly at a point in his life where he was ready to settle down. He was so patient with me. He never tried to kiss me and he respected my space when we went out. He never once made a move on me. I thought it was too good to be true. But he was consistent with me. We had known each other for quite some time before we began to date. So, I had a chance to observe his character from afar. He was definitely everything I wanted in a man, but there were a few deal breakers that kept me from taking our relationship further. I feel so crazy right now. Here I am dating men who are only interested in getting in my jeans and now I finally find the right one. I am frustrated and beginning to hate the dating scene. It is too tricky, risky, unsure, and there are definitely no promises. I am happy being single because I have a lot going for me. However, I do want to be married. It is something that I have tucked away in my heart and pushed aside so that my life wouldn’t be put on pause. But, now I compare all of my relationships to this dude I let go. Now, I am at a place where I am on the dating scene but I am always forced to come to a serious halt because none of the men I date are willing to wait like this dude was.
I am so frustrated. I need some answers.
1. Why is it that once you tell a man you are a virgin he starts to drool and it is a power struggle for him? Or what is it?
2. Why is that once a man knows that you are virgin he has to play the teacher or daddy role? Can we just go with the flow? Why do you have to teach me? Why are you so possessive? Why do you want to know where I am at all times? Especially, when you are dating someone else. I don’t owe your ASH anything!
3. Why is it that there is always one dude who steals your heart? Why did I engage in a relationship with the cat when I knew he was all about game? Why is it that I like the bad boys? If he liked me like he said he did, why couldn’t he wait? Are you dating these other women because you are getting free stuff? And you want to just be with me because you are infatuated with me? I am confused? Why call me everyday, and text me, cook for me and take me out. Why not just go and screw the other girls?
4. What are the rules? Where is the manual? Am I hoping against hope? What is the protocol for a beautiful, virgin woman like myself in dating? Is there a certain type of guy I am limited to in dating? Why am I being penalized for my personal convictions? Am I asking for the impossible? Is it that hard to date a virgin? Am I getting too emotionally involved with these dudes? Am I playing with fire by flirting and engaging in these relationships?
5. Did I fall for my prince charming because he accepted me?